[editor Catholic Data: I thought this was some good advice on parenting--it is secular but in general pretty good link to original here]

Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling experiences a person can have. The most important thing a parent can give their child, however, is a sense of being loved. Just keep in mind that you don't have to be infallible to be a "perfect" parent.

Edit Steps

Express Your Love and Affection

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Express love and affection:.
Express love and affection:
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- A gentle cuddle, a little encouragement, appreciation, approval or even a smile can go a long way to boost the confidence and well-being of your children. Sadly, many children seek this kind of acceptance from their peers.
- Tell them you love them every day.
- Give lots of hugs and some kisses.
- Love them unconditionally; don't force them to be who you think they should be in order to earn your love. Let them know that you will always love them no matter what.

Praise Your Children

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Praise your children:
- Avoid comparing your children to others, especially siblings. Each child is individual and unique. Celebrate their differences and instill in each child the desire to pursue their interests and dreams. Failure to do so may give your child an inferiority complex, an idea that they can never be good enough in your eyes.
- Teach your children that it is okay for them to be different, and they do not have to follow the crowd. Teach them right from wrong when they are young, and they will (more often than not) be able to make their own decisions, instead of listening to/following others.
- Remember that your child is not an extension of yourself. Your child is an individual under your care, not a chance for you to relive your life through them.

Avoid Criticism

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Avoid criticism of the child but focus on the behavior instead:.
Avoid criticism of the child but focus on the behavior instead:
- When your child acts out in a harmful and spiteful manner, tell him or her that such behavior is unacceptable and suggest alternatives. Avoid statements such as: "You're bad." "Go away!", etc. (as difficult as it may be to remain positive).
- Be assertive yet kind when pointing out what they have done wrong. Be stern/serious, but not cross or mean, when you tell them what you expect.
- Avoid public humiliation. If they misbehave in public, take them aside, and scold them privately.
- Reasonably model the behavior and character you hope your children will adopt and continue to live by the rules that you set. Show them by example in addition to verbal explanations. Children have a tendency to become what they see and hear unless they make a conscious and concerted effort to break the mold.
  - A child may have an opposite disposition, ie: introverted when you are extroverted, for instance; and not be able to fit into the pattern and style that you choose, but will make ones own decisions.
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Be consistent:
- Enforce rules that apply to every person leading a happy and productive life -- not model rules of your ideal/dream person.
- Enforce the same rules all the time, and resist your child's attempts to manipulate you into making exceptions.
- Control your temper.
- Communicate clearly. Children should be very familiar with the consequences of their actions. If you give them a punishment, be sure they understand the reason and the fault, if you cannot articulate the reason and how they are at fault the punishment will not have the discouraging effects you desire.
- Life is a great teacher. Don't be too quick to rescue your child from the results of their own actions if the consequences are not overly severe. Example: Cutting themselves may hurt, but it's better than leaving them unaware of why sharp objects should be avoided.
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Listen to them:
- Express interest in your children and involve yourself in his and her life.
- Create an atmosphere in which they can come to you with a problem however large or small.

Be a Role Model

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Be a Role Model. Young kids are like sponges, they notice everything. As parents we are our children's first role model. Pay attention to what you say or do around them and think about what kind of example you are making.
- Want to teach kids about charity? Get involved and take your kids with you to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter and help serve up meals. Explain to them why you do acts of charity so they understand why they should.
- Teach kids about chores by setting a schedule and having them help you out. Don't tell your child to do something, but ask for their help. The earlier they learn to help you, the longer they will be willing to.
- Want your kids to listen to you? Show them you can listen to them.
- If you want your son or daughter to learn to share, set a good example and share your things with them.

Help Your Children Feel Safe

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Help them feel safe:
- Instill in them, a sense of belonging by displaying individual and family portraits on the walls of the house.
- Don't argue with your spouse in front of the children. If they are sleeping, argue quietly. Children may feel insecure and fearful when they hear parents bickering. In addition, children will learn to argue with each other the same way they hear their parents argue with each other. Show them that when people disagree, they can discuss their differences peacefully.
- Avoid favoritism. Surveys have shown that most parents have favorites, but most children believe that they are the favorite. If your children are quarreling, don't choose sides, but be fair and neutral.
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Avoid rescuing them. Help your kids know their options, and the consequences of each one, then both you and they live with whatever option they select, generally.

Provide Order

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Provide order:.
Provide order:
- Set boundaries such as bedtimes and curfews, so they learn that they have limitations. By doing so, they actually get a sense of being loved and cared about by their parents. They might rebel at those boundaries, but inwardly enjoy knowing that concerned parents guide and love them.
- Encourage responsibility by giving them jobs or "chores" to do and as a reward for those jobs give them some kind of privilege (money, extended curfew, extra play time, etc.). As "punishment" for not doing these jobs, they have the corresponding privilege revoked. Even the youngest of children can learn this concept of reward/consequence. As your child grows, give them more responsibilities and more rewards/consequences for completing those responsibilities (or not).
- Teach them what is right and wrong. If you are religious, take them to the religious institute that you follow. If you are an atheist or an agnostic, teach them your moral stance on things. In either case, don't be hypocritical or be prepared for your child to point out that you are not "practicing what you preach".
- Make sure that they have a healthy way of life. Many parents do this the wrong way. Instead of forcing children to try eating something, give them a choice between two things. It can push children, especially preteens and up, to a very emotional point, if you begin to harp for them to change their eating habits. If they want something unhealthy, suggest an alternative or a smaller size. If you know they favor a certain unhealthy food at a restaurant, taking them there a lot is not good. And if you start over-explaining to the child that it is unhealthy or that they shouldn't get it -- they may take it the wrong way and feel like you are insulting them. Once this happens, they will no longer want to go out to eat with you, and they will feel bad eating around you which could make them want to sneak and hide junk food from you. When you tell them they can't have something or shouldn't... it can create one of two things. One, it could make them want it even more and find out how to get it anyways. Two, it could make them feel extremely bad (contrary/oppositional), and they might go all out with all unhealthy foods except that one which could be worse than giving choices to get cooperation.
  - When trying to enforce healthy eating habits, start it at a younger age. Giving rewards of candy to children may create a bad habit, because once they get older, some may feel they should reward themselves which can lead to obesity. While they are young, start them out with healthier snacks. Instead of chips, try goldfish (crackers), grapes, etc. The eating habits they learn as they are younger are the ones they continue to have. Also, never make your child finish their plate, if they say they are hungry. This can continue throughout their life causing them to finish no matter what portions are on their plate.
- Don't routinely do things for your children that they can learn to do for themselves. While getting them a glass of water before bed is a nice way to make them get to sleep faster, don't do it so often that they come to expect it.
- Emphasis moderation and responsibility when it comes to alcohol consumption even when children are young. Explain that they will have to wait until they are old enough to enjoy a drink with friends, and talk about the importance of designated drivers. Failure to discuss these issues early sometimes contributes to sneaking and dangerous experimentation, if they don't understand. Again, don't be hypocritical or your child will (more than likely) ignore your advice.
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Allow your kids to experience life for themselves. Don't make decisions for them all the time; they must learn how to live with the consequences from the choices they make. After all, they will have to learn to think for themselves sometime. It's best they start when you are there to help minimize the negative consequences and accentuate the positive ones. They need to learn that their own actions have consequences (good and bad). By doing so, it helps them to become good decision makers and problem solvers so that they are prepared for independence and adulthood.

Spend Quality Time With Your Children

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Spend a lot of time with your kids and love them with all your heart. Be careful not to stifle/smother them, however. There's a big difference between protecting someone and imprisoning them within your too unyielding demands.
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Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have more than one child.
Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have more than one child.
- Set aside a day to go to a park, theme parks, museum or library depending on their interests.
- Attend school functions. Do homework with them. Visit their teacher at open house. Even if it means taking some time away from work. Remember that children grow fast, and soon will be on their own. Your boss may or may not remember that you missed that meeting, but your child will most certainly remember that you didn't attend the play they were in.

Eliminate Bad Habits

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Give up your vices. Gambling, alcohol and drugs can jeopardize your child's financial security. Smoking, for example, almost always introduces health hazards to your child's environment. Second-hand smoke has been linked to several respiratory ailments in children. It could also contribute to the early death of a parent. Alcohol and drugs might also introduce health hazards or violence to your child's environment.
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Edit Tips

If you're trying to quit a habit yourself, look into groups that can help you overcome it. Always get support, and have someone you can talk to when you begin to get a craving for your habit. Remember that you're not only helping yourself, but you're helping your child as well.
Improve your child's social skills.
Reflect on your own childhood frequently. Identify mistakes your parents made, and make an effort to avoid passing them on to the next several generations. Every generation of parents/children gets to make a whole set of new successes and/or mistakes.
Encourage introspection by sharing with your children your own self-evaluations.
Address your needs to be loved, but value your children's needs over others. Do not abandon your children for your love interests. Make your child a priority when you are dating, and do not put your child in danger by introducing someone new into the household that you do not know well. Children need to feel safe, secure and loved. If you are suddenly leaving them out and not addressing their needs in order to tend to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your children will grow to feel insecure and abandoned. Love is needed by everyone, but not at the expense of your child's emotional health. This also applies to older children.
A teen who is on the brink of adulthood needs the support of a parent more than ever. Do not think that just because they are almost 18 or 21 years old that you can leave them to figure it all out on their own. Do not intervene/interfere unnecessarily, however. You have to walk a fine line.

Catholic Data

Monday, February 27, 2012

Being a Good Parent